Everything is a-okay, because I’m strong as an o-a-k!

Just something I like to listen to when I’m feeling more freaked out by student loan debt than usual.

Growing Up and Self-Awareness

Tonight I hurried home from walking around town with friends, scarfed down dinner, and put on nice trousers so that I could go to the School of Social and Political Science’s ceilidh for new postgrad students. I was warring with myself all day about going, knowing that it would be good for me to be social and engage with my new classmates. There were bound to at least be a few people there I recognised! So I grabbed my keys, put on my favourite sparkly shoes, and walked the few blocks to the venue. Then I walked around the block. Then I stared at the front door for a while. And then I turned around and went home.

All this is to say that I have a problem with social anxiety that I am very aware of and constantly trying to get over. This is one part of growing up that I haven’t come to a “good or bad” verdict on yet – being aware of my own limitations and flaws and how frustratingly inexplicable they can sometimes be. This particular problem is that I get very nervous and self-conscious in big groups, no matter how much I can explain to myself that it’s going to be okay. Tonight for example, I knew there would be people there who I had already met this week and liked. I knew dancing would probably be fun, even though I don’t really know how to ceilidh. I knew that I didn’t have to stay very long if I didn’t feel comfortable. But still, I couldn’t make myself go in. These are the types of situations in which I would normally have a dear friend at my side to fall back on if I got too nervous (aka someone who can convince me to go along because there will at least be someone there who knows me very well and is capable of handling my anxiety and understanding that I’m not totally aloof and obnoxious when I hang back and don’t talk to anyone). Yeah, that aside is a mouthful. But those are the kind of internal worrywarts that I think we all have and that I have an annoyingly difficult time ignoring.

Anyway, I’m at home now sort of wishing I had gone but also knowing that it wasn’t that crucial for me to be there. I’m still working on ignoring that anxious and self-conscious inner self in the wider world, but I know there are other places where I am more comfortable and then I will have a better chance to get to know my new classmates. The type of socials put on during induction week really just aren’t my thing. And maybe this is the good part of being self-aware. Because I can at least recognise where the line is for me on a given day and say “that’s okay. there will be other opportunities.” without spiralling into feeling bad about myself for skipping big social events. I know I can make up for it somewhere else, in smaller groups further on.

All other things considered, it hasn’t been a bad week. I’ve met some very nice fellow postgrads, from my program and my school. And I’ve gotten to spend some much-appreciated time with old friends whose company always buoys me up. Here’s hoping that things will continue to go relatively smoothly once classes and homework start next week! It’s hard to believe, but there are only ten weeks between now and the Christmas holidays. Ready, set, go!

Mechanics of Flat-Sharing

So if you’ve ever been a college student (or known one) you are most likely familiar with the way universities like to throw four or five random people into an apartment together and hope that it turns out for the best. In the past, I’ve had some really great flatmates and some less than stellar ones, but everything has generally worked out for the best so far. I can only hope this year will continue that streak of okay-ness.

I have only met three of my four flatmates so far, after having moved in on Saturday. They’re all nice, one Canadian and two Chinese girls (rumor has it the missing one is also Chinese). I can only hope that we all continue to get along and work together as a team once we get settled in. Because there are things that come up in a shared flat that are not usually concerns in any other type of living situation, such as:

• Who keeps leaving the front door open and/or unlocked when she leaves the flat? Does she want people to steal all of our things?
• Are three rice cookers really necessary for one kitchen?
• How can we organise cupboard and fridge space to make sure that everyone’s things will fit and be distinguishable/safe from others (aka your pork ribs, rice, and four litres of milk are taking up too much room and the yogurts keep falling out of the door)?
• How do we make sure that everyone is putting waste in the right bins (garbage, recycling, compost) (aka all those milk jugs don’t belong in the trash)?

These are things I don’t like to have to dwell on, so hopefully we can get them sorted soon! Because it’s also true that these are issues I cannot put up with longterm either. Here’s to escaping to friends’ flats if it gets too crazy!

“There are so many Americans and Canadians here! I might as well have stayed at home!”

A thing I have heard too many times in the last two days since moving into my uni flat.